Entry 11/19

Dear diary,

Lately (okay fine, for months really) I’ve been doing this thing where i reach out to him in my mind. I tease memories and try to relive that last moment, just to see if I still feel anything. And though I want it over, though I want him completely purged from my skin, it still surprises me when I feel nothing. Nothing. Where the pain or even the once joy should be, there’s a void…like he never existed at all.

It’s not that some twisted part of me still wants to find him. No, I want his place in me to stay vacated. It’s more that I keep visiting the spot to make sure he stays gone. I keep fearing that he’ll sneak back undetected and stab my mind and my soul when I’m not looking.

And today, he finally did.

It wasn’t because I stopped looking. I’d been standing guard with weapons on my tongue ever since the cool weather crept in with October. But I never expected the bastard to come at me through a friend.

Naturally, I ran…pushed away, blamed. A friend doesn’t deserve that. My head knows this. But my heart is a different matter. It’s taken this long to be okay. I don’t want to let a single bit back in, even if it is just a ghost of memories passed on the face of someone I love.

Dear diary, what do I do?

Love,

Me.

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3 thoughts on “Entry 11/19

  1. Penny for my thoughts huh? I love that!!! I love this post too. I know how hard it is to take old baggage into a relationship (be a friendship or other). I know its easy to let those Lil slips happen. Dont be too hard on yourself. I know how hard youve worked and how long its been and im proud of you. And im sure your friend whoever it maybe will understand. We all carry these little shields and sometimes…. sometimes we just drop it. Im sure they will still love you. I do so much.

    Okay?

Penny for your thoughts...

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