Nostalgic hands reach out

to touch this holy mantle,

brushing away dust and

memories best forgotten

I breathe deep and

listen for the

scent of you

to come visit me,

more real and present than

the space in each photo

where your face is

meant to be

but never does appear

Every nerve ending

connected to the

pounding in my chest

screams that you

should be in there,

not ghosted away to

a fortress of his will that

keeps you at arm’s distance

and me without a key

My mind hurls itself at

the locked steel bars,

a battering ram to

the door of all things unfair,

kicking and bashing

until the pain

from bloodied mental knuckles

gently lay me

to the cool uncaring floor

where I weep a river that

floods the moat

Because you wanted to be there too.

What I didn’t know


I knew there would be white
I knew you’d be waiting for me
I knew there would be words
And rings

But what I didn’t know was where you and the guys were hiding to get ready, how many times Brittany would start crying because her two very best friends in the world were getting married to each other, the shade of red I would turn when it was my turn to come through the door to walk down the aisle and dad had to tell me to breathe, the slam into my stomach when everyone stood up and looked my way and it got real so fast, the tears I couldn’t stop when I wrapped myself around mom before I came to stand by you, happy happy happy everywhere in everything you said, the way you held my hands and I kept twitching them to calm us down, the pride and joy in your dad’s eye to be the one to lead us through our vows, the air that came into my lungs when we kissed and it was a done deal, the food we never ate because we were too excited, necks we hugged, bird seed I specifically told no one to throw but your uncle did anyways, the way that same seed fell to our bedroom floor with my dress, the way you’d possess me and make me yours…

And the way I’d remember this like it was yesterday.

June 11 2011